Tired

"We assume others show love the same way we do - and if they don't, we worry it's not there"

-

So it's recess week and I should be very happy I finally have a break in life but yet, there's still a million and one things to be done, and there's you. 

I'm really afraid of many things right now. I'm afraid I won't be able to go on exchange and experience studying overseas ever. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with Year 2 real estate. I'm afraid I won't be able to understand a single shit in time for finals. I'm afraid my work for projects won't be up to standard. I'm afraid I can't complete my part for projects by the end of recess week. I'm afraid I won't have enough time to study for RE2012 mid terms. I'm afraid I won't even UNDERSTAND what I'm supposed to know for mid terms. I'm scared, I'm afraid, and I worry about all these things so much that my head constantly feels like it's gonna explode any time. I worry about things more than anyone will know because I don't usually show it. People think I'm some happy go lucky bimbo who doesn't think about anything at all but nobody knows what goes on in my mind except for myself. 

But most of all, I'm afraid history will repeat itself and I'm gonna get my heart broken into pieces, again. Why does this feel all too familiar? People say never make the same mistake twice but I always seem to make the same mistakes over and over again, it's as if I'm an idiot who never learns. Or maybe I'm just an idiot who believes in love way too much that I get sucked in so deeply whenever I feel an inkling for someone just because it happens so rarely. 

I knew it was never gonna be easy to begin with but I never thought it would be so hard. I thought things would be fine this second time because I've learnt so much from before and I thought I could handle dating someone who wouldn't have much time for me but as time goes by and conversations become a rare occasion, my insecurities and paranoia just keep floating up and I just really don't know what to do right now. To be honest I was really handling things well before but now everything's out of my control. My head says one thing but my heart says another. 

I'm really tired of all this shit. I'm tired of constantly waiting for you to reply. I'm tired of constantly praying that things are still okay and it's just me thinking too much. I'm tired of always wondering if things are even still the same or have things changed without me knowing? I'm tired of feeling so annoyed & frustrated & upset with you one moment and feeling so hopeful & loved by you the next. This isn't healthy for me and I know it. Some part of me just wants to give up and walk away but another part of me still wants to cling onto what may become of us. 

Sometimes I wonder if the problem lies with me. Maybe this is just karma, for all the ones I've lost interest in and ran away from. For all the nice guys I've dated and then stopped just because I was bored and wasn't feeling it. Why do I always fall for the bad guys. The ones who aren't so nice, the ones who tend to take me for granted, the ones who always leave me hanging. Is that my problem then? For always falling for the wrong ones? 

I don't know but I'm sick and tired of just dating around. I don't want to date around anymore. I just want to settle down with someone I like, and someone who likes me for who I am. Someone who cares for me and someone who will be there for me when I need them. Is that so hard to ask for?

Well I guess it is. 

XOXO