"Sometimes, petals must fall so they can bloom again"
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Finally changed the cringe-worthy URL name after a million years because ... well I guess I've finally outgrown PAL all these years. Quite happy with this new one so hopefully I'll keep it around for a long time? Anyway, it's been almost 2 years since I visited this space. How times have changed, and how matters of my heart does not seem to change either sigh.
It's been awhile since I've thought about you that much. I honestly thought that maybe time has finally done it's job and healed my wounds ... but today it just opened again, as if a knife was used to slice it completely open. I guess it's my own fault for watching Legend of the Blue Sea again, when I know how it affects me ... but it's the last episode and I really wanted to watch the finale :( Ended up in tears which means that I'm still probably not as stable as I thought I was sian. Gahhh not very happy with the ending because it was so anticlimactic but befitting for the show I guess, sobs withdrawals from K Dramas are never good hahahaha.
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It's going to be about 4 hours since I came up to my room after watching finish the last episode with my Mum, which also means it's been about 4 hours of non-stop crying as well zzz. I guess Legend was the trigger point for the relapse, which made me think about us all over again - what we were, what we are now, and what could have been. It also doesn't help that I've been in a foul mood since CNY (still am in a foul mood actually) and haven't been having enough quality sleep the past few days.
I re-read your New Year message again. I sat on the bathroom floor crying my heart out again. How many times is this going to repeat before it doesn't repeat ever again? It's been 4 months since we decided to call it quits but sometimes the pain still feel as vivid as the first day. When it hits, it really hits ... like a wrecking ball, that is the only phrase I can think of right now in my heartbroken stupor.
I think about how you've been drinking and clubbing and smoking every week nowadays and can't help but wonder, is this you being your usual self, or is this you being your pained self? There are so many things that I want to say to you but when we talk on the phone, all I can manage are random boring questions and when we interact, it just doesn't feel natural like before.
Is it possible to un-know someone. Can I erase you from my memories, right from the start of exchange, just like how Shim Cheong erased herself from Joon Jae's memories? I really wish I could. I wish I could erase everything that happened after the night of my birthday, 7 months ago. I wish we could go back to how it used to be. How we were just getting to know each other, and how we could comfortably talk and confide in each other on a completely platonic level. How nice would that be?
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Ending off my incoherent thoughts with a Thought Catalog article that hits home really close.
♥
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