T(h)orn

"Sometimes, petals must fall so they can bloom again"

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Finally changed the cringe-worthy URL name after a million years because ... well I guess I've finally outgrown PAL all these years. Quite happy with this new one so hopefully I'll keep it around for a long time? Anyway, it's been almost 2 years since I visited this space. How times have changed, and how matters of my heart does not seem to change either sigh. 

It's been awhile since I've thought about you that much. I honestly thought that maybe time has finally done it's job and healed my wounds ... but today it just opened again, as if a knife was used to slice it completely open. I guess it's my own fault for watching Legend of the Blue Sea again, when I know how it affects me ... but it's the last episode and I really wanted to watch the finale :( Ended up in tears which means that I'm still probably not as stable as I thought I was sian. Gahhh not very happy with the ending because it was so anticlimactic but befitting for the show I guess, sobs withdrawals from K Dramas are never good hahahaha.

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It's going to be about 4 hours since I came up to my room after watching finish the last episode with my Mum, which also means it's been about 4 hours of non-stop crying as well zzz. I guess Legend was the trigger point for the relapse, which made me think about us all over again - what we were, what we are now, and what could have been. It also doesn't help that I've been in a foul mood since CNY (still am in a foul mood actually) and haven't been having enough quality sleep the past few days. 

I re-read your New Year message again. I sat on the bathroom floor crying my heart out again. How many times is this going to repeat before it doesn't repeat ever again? It's been 4 months since we decided to call it quits but sometimes the pain still feel as vivid as the first day. When it hits, it really hits ... like a wrecking ball, that is the only phrase I can think of right now in my heartbroken stupor. 

I think about how you've been drinking and clubbing and smoking every week nowadays and can't help but wonder, is this you being your usual self, or is this you being your pained self? There are so many things that I want to say to you but when we talk on the phone, all I can manage are random boring questions and when we interact, it just doesn't feel natural like before. 

Is it possible to un-know someone. Can I erase you from my memories, right from the start of exchange, just like how Shim Cheong erased herself from Joon Jae's memories? I really wish I could. I wish I could erase everything that happened after the night of my birthday, 7 months ago. I wish we could go back to how it used to be. How we were just getting to know each other, and how we could comfortably talk and confide in each other on a completely platonic level. How nice would that be? 

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Ending off my incoherent thoughts with a Thought Catalog article that hits home really close. 

The Love We Cannot Have Is The Kind That Hurts The Deepest And Feels The Strongest

♥

Tired

"We assume others show love the same way we do - and if they don't, we worry it's not there"

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So it's recess week and I should be very happy I finally have a break in life but yet, there's still a million and one things to be done, and there's you. 

I'm really afraid of many things right now. I'm afraid I won't be able to go on exchange and experience studying overseas ever. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with Year 2 real estate. I'm afraid I won't be able to understand a single shit in time for finals. I'm afraid my work for projects won't be up to standard. I'm afraid I can't complete my part for projects by the end of recess week. I'm afraid I won't have enough time to study for RE2012 mid terms. I'm afraid I won't even UNDERSTAND what I'm supposed to know for mid terms. I'm scared, I'm afraid, and I worry about all these things so much that my head constantly feels like it's gonna explode any time. I worry about things more than anyone will know because I don't usually show it. People think I'm some happy go lucky bimbo who doesn't think about anything at all but nobody knows what goes on in my mind except for myself. 

But most of all, I'm afraid history will repeat itself and I'm gonna get my heart broken into pieces, again. Why does this feel all too familiar? People say never make the same mistake twice but I always seem to make the same mistakes over and over again, it's as if I'm an idiot who never learns. Or maybe I'm just an idiot who believes in love way too much that I get sucked in so deeply whenever I feel an inkling for someone just because it happens so rarely. 

I knew it was never gonna be easy to begin with but I never thought it would be so hard. I thought things would be fine this second time because I've learnt so much from before and I thought I could handle dating someone who wouldn't have much time for me but as time goes by and conversations become a rare occasion, my insecurities and paranoia just keep floating up and I just really don't know what to do right now. To be honest I was really handling things well before but now everything's out of my control. My head says one thing but my heart says another. 

I'm really tired of all this shit. I'm tired of constantly waiting for you to reply. I'm tired of constantly praying that things are still okay and it's just me thinking too much. I'm tired of always wondering if things are even still the same or have things changed without me knowing? I'm tired of feeling so annoyed & frustrated & upset with you one moment and feeling so hopeful & loved by you the next. This isn't healthy for me and I know it. Some part of me just wants to give up and walk away but another part of me still wants to cling onto what may become of us. 

Sometimes I wonder if the problem lies with me. Maybe this is just karma, for all the ones I've lost interest in and ran away from. For all the nice guys I've dated and then stopped just because I was bored and wasn't feeling it. Why do I always fall for the bad guys. The ones who aren't so nice, the ones who tend to take me for granted, the ones who always leave me hanging. Is that my problem then? For always falling for the wrong ones? 

I don't know but I'm sick and tired of just dating around. I don't want to date around anymore. I just want to settle down with someone I like, and someone who likes me for who I am. Someone who cares for me and someone who will be there for me when I need them. Is that so hard to ask for?

Well I guess it is. 

XOXO

To: The guy who gave me nothing to work with

"Sometimes our heart just needs more time to accept what our mind already know"

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Dear Guy I Really Liked,

 

We get along tremendously. I’m very comfortable and happy when I’m with you. I get giddy when I receive your messages or calls, and even my friends know it’s you on the phone because I’m smiling from ear to ear.

 

I liked the idea of us, so it does suck to have to let that go. I felt like I was always the one to put more time and effort into us, but I didn’t mind because I liked you, a lot. Looking back now, I just wish you had done the same.

 

Your text responses were much more frequent when we first started talking. As time progressed, your text responses slowed down, or you would just disappear altogether.

 

It made me question whether you were talking to other girls or simply disinterested. We use to talk on the phone, Skype and FaceTime. Then, I was at the bottom of your call list. You made it clear that you weren’t interested in talking all the time, but rather, only when you were in the mood.

 

You were still using dating and hook-up apps like Tinder. Your Snapchat score was ever-increasing, and it didn’t help that your Snapchat best friends were all girls.

 

I felt like I always wanted to see you, more than you wanted to see me. Although it was a trek to see you, I didn’t mind. I didn’t want to come off as needy, but if I had the option to see you more than I did, I would have in a heartbeat.

 

I felt that you weren’t making me a priority, most likely giving some other girls the attention.

 

I guess I was slightly daydreaming about how fantastic the relationship could have been. I didn’t see that you didn’t know what to do about any sort of relationship. I was certain that you were terrified of the “what are we?” conversation.

 

You barely made an effort to see me, commit to me or allow the relationship to grow. I get it; you just weren’t that into me. It’s fine now because you reminded me that I should never settle for anything less than the best.

 

Needless to say, I just want you to know that I genuinely care for you. Although you ruffled my feathers a bit, I must admit, I’ve had a good time with you.

 

You still cross my mind from time to time, and a bit of me hopes that I cross your mind, too.

 

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Liked You A Lot

 

http://elitedaily.com/dating/open-letter-guy-liked-put-effort/740379/

 

XOXO

Revival

"We're always seeking the love we don't have" - Brianna Wiest
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Suddenly had the urge to update this space a little bit so I'll start with this interesting read:

 

10 Things I've Had To Learn While Dating An Entrepreneur

1. You have to learn to date yourself
2. You are awesome and complete as a person
3. You don't have to be like him
4. Redefine dating
5. Be open-minded, inquisitive and learn about his geeky stuff
6. You will never, ever be his number one
7. New way of seeing calendar
8. You learn about the bizarre human biological clock
9. Life is too short to find fault in each other
10. Trust your gut

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So I've been home for the past week because I was down with shingles - parents didn't trust to let me stay in hall they wanted to personally take care of me at home so aww. It's actually been a pretty nice time at home to be honest, this past week. It kind of felt a little like my JC days, where my dad would fetch me to and from school; we watch a movie or show during dinner; I do my homework/surf the web aimlessly; sleep and repeat. So it was a pretty chill week without hall activities and late night suppers and what nots, would say I managed to repay a lot of my sleep debt lol. The medication though on the otherhand have a large pain in the ass because I gotta struggle to keep awake in class and I doze off 3 times a day cos the painkillers and snooze inducers LOL. Spent my weekend away catching up on Season 4 of GREEK (something I've been trying to do for ages) and The Originals (Feelin' a lil bit of vampire werewolf fever again gosh) Am thankful that it's almost towards the end of my medication alr and I'm going back to UHC tomorrow again for a follow up appointment! Fingers crossed I'll be alright, the scabs are healing and falling off already but some of them still remain and thus my face is still an ugly face sobz :'(

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Alright that's about it, I don't know how long I can keep these updates going but to be honest it feels good to pen down my thoughts and feelings again :) Maybe I'll do a post on Uni life thus far next time ... but till then,

 

XOXO



The Songs Game

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1. Queen Seon Duk OST (Kim Nam Gil) - Can’t I Love You
2. My Chemical Romance - Teenagers
3. David Rush feat. Pitbull & Kevin Rudolf - Shooting Star
4. Girlicious - Like Me
5. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana - Don’t Walk Away
6. Nine Days - Absolutely (Story of a Girl)
7. Rihanna - Breakin’ Dishes
8. The Saturdays -I Say OK
9. Jessica Mauboy feat. Akon - Dance It Off
10. Neon Trees - 1983
11. Metro Station - Tell Me What To Do
12. The Spill Canvas - Lullaby
13. The Eagles - Hole In The World
14. Space Cowboy feat. Chelsea Korka - Falling Down
15. Rihanna - Lemme Get That
16. Mitchel Musso feat. Katelyn Tarver - Us Against The World
17. Beyonce - Sweet Dreams
18. Jonas Brothers - Still In Love With You
19. Kat Deluna feat. Akon - Push Push
20. Victorious - All I Want Is Everything

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Decided to try this out for fun. I've been meaning to update and revamp this space ever since my A levels ended but ... I guess I've been having too much of a life to do so HAHAHA. No but seriously, I've been busy as hell I don't think I was even this busy when I was studying LOL. Oh well, hopefully I'll be more active on this space after the big move! (Yes I am moving house) Till then, I wish everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

XOXO

Falling to Pieces

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A shot in the dark

A past lost in space

And where do I start?

The past and the chase

You hunted me down

Like a wolf, a predator

I felt like a deer in love lights 

You loved me and I froze in time

Hungry for that flesh of mine

But I can't compete with the she-wolf, who has brought me to my knees

What do you see in those yellow eyes?

'Cause I'm falling to pieces 

Did she lie in wait?

Was I bait to pull you in?

The thrill of the kill

You feel is a sin

I lay with the wolves

Alone, it seems,

I thought I was part of you 

You loved me and I froze in time

Hungry for that flesh of mine

But I can't compete with the she-wolf, who has brought me to my knees

What do you see in those yellow eyes?

'Cause I'm falling to pieces

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Amidst all the stress and everything towards the A Levels, here I am sharing this beautiful song & MV with you guys because it is just so touching and heart-moving :') Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for animal videos, especially those relating to dogs, wolves, pandas and bears but I rarely get moved like that. In fact, this is probably the first time I'm posting up lyrics man. Oh my look at what the A Levels have done to me hahaha. To be honest I think I am quite close to losing it already, yes my stamina and perseverance is that lousy. Studying is no longer productive because I get distracted more easily as the day goes by, knowing about the awesome life I'm gonna have after all this. But hopefully I'll be able to set my mind down in time for Econs tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect because Econs is forever unpredictable argh. Apart from the guailan GP comprehension and the Math Paper 1 paper, every other paper was alright. I hope Econs, Geog and Chem Paper 1 will be the same. God have I mentioned how much I hate humanities subjects because I hate writing long essays?!? I constantly ask myself why the hell am I taking such subjects when I know I'm not good at them. I guess sometimes we all make choices in life we never thought we would. Here's to all my fellow comrades who are in as much pain as I am:

XOXO

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST DADDY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!! ♥♥♥

Review: Ecobeau Natural BB Cream

Got a sample from Gone Shopping Too & The Orange Co so here's a review for them :)

My 2nd product review now! Gonna be a short one though oh well.

This time it's every lazy person's favorite product: The BB Cream!!!

Some facts about Ecobeau's BB Cream:
1. It's made from only natural ingredients.
2. There are 2 types for you to choose from, the BB Cream or BB Cream Plus. BB Cream Plus is a little darker.
3. It's from Korea!

To be honest it's my first time trying on a BB cream so I don't really have much to compare it with but I'm really impressed with it though! Blended pretty well with my skin even though I'm quite dark and it isn't that oily :)

Applied the BB cream on my left check but you can't really tell the difference. It's a good thing cos it looks natural but still protects your skin at the same time!

So yup that's all! Thank you to Gone Shopping Too & The Orange Co for the sample! You can visit them at:

Gone Shopping Too http://goneshoppingtoo.com

The Orange Co
http://theorangeco.com

XOXO

Review: Innisfree Herb No Sebum Powder

Got this really cool powder courtesy of Gone Shopping Too & The Secret Diaries :) Since they requested a review, here I am doing my first ever product review!

Some facts:
1. It's a Korean cosmetics brand
2. Only pure ingredients used
3. It has a mint scent!

I like how the container is pretty but what's better is that it's really good. Easy to put on & it's pretty light too so you won't look like a ghost lol. It gives you a really natural look which I like a lot. Reduces the oil on your face too so it does stay true to its name, which is not often the case for many cosmetic products so overall I'm satisfied.

Would recommend y'all to try it too! :) Pardon me it's a really short review but I hope it was informative enough!

XOXO

P.S. You can check out Gone Shopping Too @ http://www.goneshoppingtoo.com/ and The Secret Diaries @ http://the-secretdiaries.blogspot.sg/ ^^

A Fresh Start

Yup so after a million years I've finally decided to switch to the standard Blogger template! 

Only because it's a lot more customizable (is that even a word?) now though but oh well. Now that it's much easier to blog here I hope I'll update more often. Alright short post today because I'm not done hunting for Grad Book pictures oops, Wu Yue's gonna kill me tomorrow hahaha. So long! 

XOXO

it's the little things

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Just a really quick update because I think these are really good shares!! 

1.  If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys. To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts.  If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up.  If you don’t want to date a guy who ogles at the breasts of other women, then maybe you should stop offering your own breasts up for the ogling.  All attention is not equal.  You think you want attention, but you don’t.  You want respect.  All attention is not equal. 

2. Don’t go to the tanning bed.  You’ll thank me when you go to your high school reunion and you look like you’ve been airbrushed and then photoshopped compared to the tanning bed train wrecks formerly known as classmates – well, at least next to the ones that haven’t died from skin cancer.

3.  When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we  know exactly who you’re talking about.  People are smarter than you think they are.  Stop posting passive-aggressive statuses about the myriad of ways your friends disappoint you. 

4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama.  Non-dramatic people don’t feel the need to discuss all the drama they didn’t start and aren’t involved in. 

5.  “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever. 6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being.  Emotion is good; it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Emotion makes us better – so long as it remains in it’s proper place: subject to truth and reason. 

7.  Smoking is not cool. 

8.  Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.”  First of all, that’s not true.  And second of all, if it is true, you need a perspective shift.  Your reputation matters – greatly.  You should care what people think of you. 

9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention.  Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you.  Don’t play dumb to stroke someone’s ego.  Don’t bat your eyelashes in exchange for attention and expect to be taken seriously, ever.  You can’t have it both ways.  Either you show the world that you have a brain and passions and skills, or you don’t.  There are no damsels in distress managing corporations, running countries, or managing households.  The minute you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got. 

10.  You are beautiful.  You are enough.  The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough.  You are not thin enough.  You are not tan enough.  You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough.  Your teeth are not white enough.  Your legs are not long enough.  Your clothes are not stylish enough.  You are not educated enough.  You don’t have enough experience.  You are not creative enough.
There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.
You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.You were created for a purpose, exactly so.  You have innate value.  You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored.  There has never been, and there will never be another you.  Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world.  They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.
You are beautiful.  You are valuable.  You are enough.

Kate Conner

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WTF THIS IS FUNNY SHIT GOSH HAHAHAHAHAHA

Feeling down? Click here to cheer up ;) 

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Alright that's all for today. More personal posts coming ... soon. Hopefully. Spent my Friday doing productive work @ Frolick then a crazy dinner with the crew from LAA gosh I miss them already, such fun kids to be around with :') Geog field trip today was fun but too humid for our own good. Pixels to come be uploaded onto FB soon but I can't promise anything here lol. K that's all, I'm pretty screwed w my weekend homework I don't think I can finish them sigh good night!! 

XOXO